Why can't I be a rich heiress slut?

As I'm contemplating how my wife and I are going to deal with living on one paycheck for the next month or so, Paris Hilton is set to make a million bucks after she gets out of jail next week:

NBC has agreed to pay as much as $1 million for Paris Hilton's first after-jail interview, which will appear on the "Today" show, The Post has learned.

Sources told The Post the sit-down will be conducted by Meredith Vieira the day after the heir-head is sprung some time next week.

Damn. For $1 million dollars in my own cell like she's got, I'd almost consider spending an entire year in jail. I stress the "my own cell" part, though. I'm not sure you could pay me enough to spend one minute in the general population ward where I've got to worry about dropping the soap in the communal showers.

It's disposable money like this spent on ridiculous "celebrity" interviews that really makes me feel that whatever Hollywood says and does to prove they care about the poor and less fortunate, it's all just really for PR and self-ego promotion. But maybe I'm not giving Paris enough credit. For all I know, she's going to donate the million dollars to a worthy charity rather than a get-out-of-jail bash full of booze and blow.