The best episode of the G.I. Joe cartoon I ever saw...

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is in that category of films that's a bit hard to review. No one in their right mind is expecting greatness from a movie directed by Stephen Sommers (The Mummy), much less from a movie based on a line of toys. Still, Transformers and its sequel Revenge of the Fallen turned out to be a wonderful spectacle of CGI eye candy and quite entertaining. And considering I played with G.I. Joe way more than Transformers, I was hoping some nostalgia for one of my favorite toys as a kid would allow me to escape and have some fun with this in the same way. Even the actors themselves weren't kidding themselves into thinking this was some sort of genre defining movie. Back during production of the film adaptation of G.I. Joe in which she portrays the Baroness, Sienna Miller succintly summed up exactly what to expect: "Guns, tits, ass, and no acting!" And honestly, I think she was spot on.

The plot of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is pretty straightforward. Destro creates the ultimate terror weapon, his henchmen (Baroness, Storm Shadow, Zartan) steal it from NATO, and the G.I. Joe team (General Hawk, Heavy Duty, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, Breaker) along with their new recruits (Duke, Ripcord) are tasked to save the world from Destro's nefarious plan. In the background is the Doctor, who seems to be the real brains behind Destro's organization with a backstory that isn't all that hard to figure out before the "big" reveal towards the end of the film.

For the most part, I thought the casting of the film was actually quite good. Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols look hot, Ray Park in his Snake Eyes outfit looks ninja cool and his moves are even cooler, and they don't give Channing Tatum too many big words to say. Wild Willie...er...I mean, Dennis Quaid pretty much calls in his performance, but he's not asked to do a whole lot either except look leader-ly and whoop and holler when the Joes win the final battle (that was pretty much a blatant knock-off of Star Wars--dogfights, sword fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, General Hawk at the main base with a big holographic globe watching the battle unfold).

Steven Sommers and the writers take the right approach in this movie by making it essentially an action-centric film with lots of explosions, high-tech gadgets, and fights that defy the laws of physics. I was pleased to see that they even tried to make some of the technology for G.I. Joe a bit believable using ideas that are in the early phases of development already today (e.g. invisibility cloak). The writers even manage to explain how Cobra manages to get all these nameless soldiers to fight their battles without complaint (i.e. nanomites that allow for mind control), which always perplexed me as a kid when I would watch cartoons--perhaps a bit silly, but explains a lot nonetheless. And in some sense, this movie felt a lot like the old cartoons, save for the fact that people actually die in this film rather than miraculously parachute out of danger. Whether you feel that's a good thing or bad, I leave that opinion to you.

It's when the film stops having fun, and tries to be serious when the film breaks down. Granted, the draw for me to G.I. Joe as a kid was always the backstories behind each character, but the way they sort of tried to incorporate flashbacks for each of the main characters really slowed the pace down, and didn't add much to the movie at all. The story itself hinges on the background between Duke, the Baroness, and Cobra Commander, which was kind of silly, and wasn't helped by the fact that Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller had absolutely no chemistry. And Zartan? He's still the dumbest villain ever. EVER!

In the wrong frame of an adult mind, this was probably a laughable film, best enjoyed at 2:00 AM with a few too many beers. But G.I. Joe was never really meant for adults. I think this movie targets exactly the right market--young boys who still play with toys. Had I been ten years old, I probably would have been talking about this movie for the next month. Do you need to go rung out and see this? No. But if you've got nothing to do on a weekend afternoon, or when it comes out on DVD, it's kind of fun. And in the end, this movie comes down to one question: Ninjas and hot chicks in tight leather--do you really need anything else? Just for that, I give it a...