Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

"You ever been in a cockpit before?"
"No sir, I've never been up in a plane before."
"You ever seen a grown man naked?"

OTTAWA (Reuters) - The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in, the airline said Wednesday.

NICE -

Off-Road in the Swany Space Ship

A while back Wild Willie posted a message about mudding in Wackinoffee's Bronco (MUD!). Well, having seen the Swany recently during his visit to our nations capitol, I began thinking about the vehicle that Swany's family had when I first met him. No, not the Skylark, which was perpetually parked in front, but the Toyota Van. In trying to remember what the van looked like and why I thought it was so cool I searched for a picture. What I found was a select group of people who take their Toyota Van - Off Road!

At the time I thought the Toyota Van was spaceage and sleek. I overlooked the fact that the wind in the place where we lived blew consistently, and that a fart from any one of us could have probably knocked it over. I distinctly remember riding down the interstate going somewhere and feeling the van being pulled all over the place. Of course, the 'well designed' high center of gravity added to the stability of this car. I have never been in a vehicle when it flipped, but I guess the Swany has. I am surprised it took as long as it did.

Damnit! I was beaten to the punch!

Man! Here I am, writing this kickass "breakup" letter, and she closes the match while I'm writing it! Do'h! Now, obviously I'm not heartbroken as I was about to give her the kiss off, but there is a certain childish desire in me to dump first. Yeah, she's hot as hell, but I should have known better. Actually, I should have hung up the phone as soon as I heard the word Scientology uttered as anything other than a punchline. Why do my balls have such influence over my brain? It's like if my brain were the government, my nuggets would be the oil and gas industry.

And the worst part is, I have this GREAT letter and no audience for it! Or do I? Heh, heh, heh.

Andrea,
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our phone conversation, and I’ve realized that I haven’t been completely honest with myself. I think that we have some pretty conflicting beliefs, and I’ve wanted to make them less important than they really are. But hey, who can blame me? I mean, you’re hot as hell.
Still, when I’m thinking with the right head, I have to admit that I find your complete discounting of psychology disconcerting. I know many people don’t “believe in psychology.” If I didn’t believe in gravity, I would still fall if I walked off a cliff. I’ve witnessed many times over cause and effect relationships in people which psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, etcetera have earlier identified. Regardless of what label one puts on it, I believe that discovering ones hurts and understanding how they have affected you are crucial to overcoming them and leading your best life.
And there are aspects of Scientology, as I understand it, which propose the same thing though it may articulate it differently. I think this is wonderful and very useful to people. I feel the same way about the LDS church, with which you are undoubtedly at least vaguely familiar. Recent changes in the core of the Mormon faith have really made some great strides in creating healthy individuals and families. I think this is great, too. But they lose me when they get to the details of their faith, particularly its history, and the future. I feel the same way about Scientology, which I know you stated is not a religion but a method of self-improvement. To me, however, religion in its highest, most esoteric form, is simply a method of self-improvement. So, I don’t make the same distinction about Scientology and religion as I understood you to do Tuesday night. Pardon me if I’m misquoting you.
The goal of rehabilitating the thetan, that a person is a spiritual being, auditing to free oneself of engrams to become clear (an example of what I believe, stated differently), that what is true for you is what you have observed yourself: these are all tenets of Scientology with which I agree. However, when it gets into aspects such as Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy blowing up spacecraft with hydrogen bombs around a volcano, it loses me. It loses me big.
As I stated on the phone, truth does not come from one person. Freud obviously didn’t get it right, but he laid a foundation from which others could expand upon. Look at Jung and Otto Rank, and then the thousands who have expanded on their discoveries. Whenever I see a methodology based solely on the dictates of a single person, I have seen a few good ideas ruined by some really outlandish ones, be they claims from a New York farm boy that he read a gospel of Jesus in a magic book written in a Native American language, or from a science fiction writer who stole many of his revelations from occultists (Jack Parsons and Aleister Crowley). I find it sadly ironic that so many scientologists poo-poo psychology without realizing how much Scientology resembles Freudian 'depth psychology.'
I really did enjoy talking with you. And I was really looking forward to, as eHarmony puts it, exploring our sexual desires with passion and understanding. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to that. But for all our compatibility, I think our disagreement is a significant incompatibility. I know that you are feeling the ticking of your clock, so I don’t want to waste our time by pretending that I can overlook this incompatibility. Also, I know that you are a busy person, but I’m wondering if your recent silence isn’t indicative that you feel the same way.
Keep looking, you will find your prince. Thanks again for the Italian lessons.

Ciao, Bellissima.

How To Tell The Paparazzi To Fuck Off

I am fortunate (or unfortunate) not to have this problem, though I doubt that any supermarket rag would really want a picture of me strutting around naked drinking a luke warm PBR.


How to Tell the Paparazzi to Fuck Off:

1. Make a very small, crude sign that reads "Fuck Off."
2. Flip them the bird (have your lilliputian wife do the same).
3. Create a sense of spacial dysphoria by positioning yourself a good 7 feet away from your wife, and in front of a background made up almost entirely of vertical lines.
4. If possible, grow a bushy beard, and have your wife wear a child's bathing suit.
5. Wear matching scowls and oversized sunglasses.



Most celebrities will only attempt one or two of these suggestions. But on a recent vacation, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams managed to do all five at once. The end result? He looks like a hulking, sunbathing version of the Unabomber, she looks like a petulant 7 year-old, and no one is coming within 20 feet of either of them.

This photo is so strangely compelling. It's like they created their own optical illusion. I keep crossing my eyes and staring at the center, waiting for an airplane, or a creepy clown face to appear in 3-D.

I came across this post on the A.V. Club from the Onion by Amelie Gillette. The part about the child's bathing suit slayed me.

Looking for Love: The Continuing Adventures of Scootypuff jr.

So last night I had a first phone call with someone I met on eAcrimony.com. It went well at first, but the both of us being the direct people we are, it didn't take too long for us to begin asking personal questions. On my end, I got two "red flags" from the conversation, and I've been trying to decide last night and all this morning if I should end it. I'm being pretty calculating about the whole thing, and I wonder if I'm being too calculating. Why all the mental turmoil?

Well, my gut is telling me, "we have to fart. Oh, and I'm uneasy about the revalations from last night." But then, I think, "Maybe I should just hang on and see where this goes. Maybe you've misjudged her statements." I thought, this must be my brain talking. Do I trust my gut over my brain? Then I realized that while it's true that my brain was doing the talking, it was merely relaying a message from my genitals. You see, she has tons of great points, and she's hot as hell. She also has indicated that she wants a healthy and active sex life in a marriage. (Well, I guess if you're going to twist my arm...)

So everytime I think, Yeah, close it off, I get the thought, you haven't given it enough a chance. And I haven't, because I need to find out why I feel some of her statements last night don't jive with what she wrote in her profile that was interested in. Am I missinterpreting what she said, or was she not honest in her profile? Yep, that's the question. I'm glad I have some direction now.

Wow, this blogging thing really can be helpful.

If Only I had Known Sooner!

I will be traveling to Austin for the Labor Day Weekend to show the grandparents the baby, take in some good food, and hopefully view Scootypuff in all his grandeur. I would have also added to the list seeing the Koolaid Gang's hero if I had only known about it sooner.

The Alamo Draft House will be hosting someone special.

No wonder the Tellytubbies looked so menacing

As you are all probably aware, The New York Times has a reputation for having a slightly liberal viewpoint. Well, put on your Rush Limbaugh/Shawn Hannity glasses and look at what right-wing conservatives read when they read this paper.

Wireless Living

So Tellulah and I have put all wireless networking in our new home. It's great as we have computers upstairs, downstairs, and now I have a new laptop. I felt so independent and free. "No strings to hold me down" and all that...
Well, there is one wire though... The power cord to the actual wireless transmitter which must taste exceedingly vegetable like to the guinea pig running around the office the unit is in, because she gnawed right through that bad boy. Wireless is a loose term.
Funny part, I was in the middle of an online game with Scootypuff when it happened. I called to tell him what happened and let him know I was on the way to Radio Shack to replace it and I couldn't stop laughing. I nearly crashed twice trying to get there.
End note... the cord is a special order only item. It should be in tomorrow... Thank god work is all wireless now so I can send this... Wait, where's my guinea pi...

END TRANSMISSION

This is what I do in my off time.

Last Saturday night, I went with my brother and sister-in-law to a "White Trash" party. Now, I have to say that I'm actually PC about the term white trash, as I think it's pretty mean to call anyone trash - to insinuate that they have no value.

I am okay with the term Tornado Bait, however. (Because trailer parks are often hit by tornados, get it?)

Anywho, there was a contest for best costume, and I won it because I'm as awesome at making costumes as I am sexy. Actually, I was a little distressed about how much of my cosutme I had on hand. Anywho, here's some pictures of me in my award-winning costume. By the way, my brother (dressed in weightlifter pants, a sleeveless tee, and a fanny pack) and sister-in-law (dressed as a Hooters waitress) won best presentation. Yep, when it comes to low-rent, my family has it in the bag.

Better than The Babe

I don't know what people think of him outside of the Midwest, but in St. Louis where the Cardinals seem to be the unifying force that brings peace to the universe, Albert Pujols is a god.

Washington University recently had him perform a number of tests similar to some done on Babe Ruth back in 1921 to get some insight as to what makes elite athletes different than you or me. Kind of an interesting read, and makes me want to pick up that September issue of GQ.

Chuck Norris Park?

Well, apparently Chuck Norris fans around the world lost their bid to have a bridge in Hungary named after him. But never fear--there's now a new campaign to try and get a park in Houston named after the Texas legend. You can go the Houston Chronicle website and submit your vote. Pick your favorite Chuck Norris fact to put as a reason.

Just when I think I'm out, they keep pulling me back in...

Ah, the new fall season of TV is coming up. New Nip/Tuck, Grey's Anatomy, and The Office next month, Lost and Battlestar Galactica (see video below) after that. Yes, life will be good again...



And I don't know if any of you heard about this new show on NBC called Heroes. Any of you who geek out with anything related to X-Men or Marvel Universe mutants might be interested. This could be really good or horribly bad. I'd probably bet on the latter (especially with Greg Grunberg venturing out of a production not headed up by JJ Abrams), but I'll give it a shot anyway.

Don't even try making any eye contact, either...

This week has reminded me a lot of my days at the University of Texas. Mile-long walks in hot, humid weather. Arriving at class soaked in my own perspiration and dripping all over my notes. No, not exactly the most pleasant memories. But I do recall always picking up a free copy of The Daily Texan to peruse while I was bored in those gargantuan 1000+ student classes, like freshman Chemistry or the like. This week has been no different, as The Washington Post hands out its own free paper called Express at the entrance of the Metro. All I need now is my old red backpack, a fried rice stand on the corner to grab lunch, and I can really relive my youth.

Anywho, I mention this because I read a short blurb in my free paper earlier this morning about a Canadian doctor who was kicked off a United Airlines flight out of Winnepeg apparently for praying with a couple of his traveling companions. The sight of three Muslims praying apparently spooked some of the passengers. This doesn't seem to be isolated to the Canucks, either, as this article from the UK points out. I guess you can't even speak in your native tongue without drawing suspicion upon yourself.

It's a crazy world we live in, guys.

Ha! I'm angrier than all of you! WOOHOO!! GRRRRRRR!!!!

Looks like Men's Health magazine has recognized my wife's distaste for St. Louis, ranking the city number 10 on it's list of angriest cities. And Austin, Texas? #81. Damn, why can't I live down there? I'm getting angry just thinking about how much happier everyone in central Texas is. In fact, all of you are happier than my city! I live in hell! I hate you all! Sons of bitches! AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!! And Fort Collins didn't even crack the top 100! Damn you, Wander! Damn you to hell!!!

We are all our own worst enemy.

Stairway to Heaven

Fortunately, no pictures of cervical mucus or urethral pus drainage today. It's Day 4 for me here in our nation's capital. I woke up to the sights and smells of a dog butt in my face. Why Scratch's and Mrs. Scratch's dog insists on coming in and sleeping up at the head of my bed is beyond me. I really should learn to close the door at night.

I've been using the Washington D.C. Metro system to get around these past few days, and it's a pretty interesting system. It seems like they tried digging all the way to China before they decided they were deep enough to put in the subway tunnels. Must be how they got the pandas. In order to get down there to actually ride the Metro, you have to ride down a ridiculously long escalator that feels like you're taking a trip to Hell on the way down and up to Heaven on the way back up to the surface. This allowed them to create the longest escalator in the western hemisphere. The picture above is not the record holding Wheaton station, but some other Metro moving staircase I shamelessly stole off Wikipedia. I've been following the rules of etiquette by staying to the right on the escalator as I lazily ride up and down, and didn't want to give away my tourist status by whipping out my camera.

Pining for the Wankmaster

Now I'm of course all for us choosing our own Nom de Keyboards, but I must say that Deacon Benny "Scratch" Swindoll, formerly known as Deacon Benny "Doc" Swindoll, formerly know as that skinny kid with the Charlie Brown glasses, at one time on another blog appearantly had the moniker, Wankmaster Scratch.

I'd just like to throw in that if he were at all ambivalent about his name, that I give my vote to Wankmaster Scratch. It's a shorter, more fitting name for the highly educated pervert we all know and love.

What color is it? Is it sore to touch?

Man, I'm beat! Ten hours of lectures today, all ending with adolescent medicine and STDs including some major nasty pictures of genital warts. I thought about including them in this post, but I'm afraid you might vomit.

The quote of the day? "You gotta let your coochie breathe!!" Ahh, medical jargon.

She ended the talk with contraception and some interesting tidbits about one day out of the life of the world and why we need to get serious about getting teens some condoms:

Women of reproductive age: 600 million
Number of acts of intercourse: 39 trillion
Ejaculations per second: 12,000
Sperm per ejaculate: 60 million
Total worldwide sperm release: 720 trillion sperm per second!

Despite these images haunting my brain, I still managed to work up my appetite for dinner. Scratch, always looking out for a friend, introduced me to giant slices over in the Adams Morgan district this past weekend so I wouldn't starve before he left town. That, or he was protecting the beer in his fridge. Anywho, that's what I ventured out to get this evening.

This gargantuan slice of pizza is bigger than my head. To give you some perspective, each pepperoni slice is just a bit bigger than a quarter. Mmmm...nothing like good old pepperoni grease coelescing on top of gooey melted cheese that just strings as you pull a bite from the slice. Hmmm. You know, this kind of reminds of those STD slides. Excuse me, I need to go throw up...

I Wonder if Saudi Airlines is Part of the Delta SkyMiles Program

Today, I was fiddling around with a computer that doesn't belong to me, and I came across the wallpaper with the three palm trees on a tiny island - if you could even call it that. Speaking with one of the guys in the office, I said that it was probably a fake. Not the picture, but the island. It wouldn't be hard for some fancy resort to throw out a couple hundred cubic yards of sand and plant three already grown palm trees in it to make the resort that much more picturesque.

Little did I know that this has been done on a scale of much greater magnitude, and the palm tree idea is just a wee bit different. It seems that the United Arab Emirates, wanting to make sure they maintain Dubai's position as a premium tourist destination, has been constructing the three largest man-made islands in the world. So big in fact that it increases their shoreline by 72 miles. Not 7.2 miles, but 72 miles. What would this accomplish you ask? Well there are three islands created in the shape of palm trees, and one island alone will support more than 60 luxury hotels, 4,000 exclusive residential villas (sale), 1,000 unique water homes (sale), 5,000 shoreline apartments (sale), marinas, water theme parks, restaurants, shopping malls, sports facilities, health spas, cinemas and various dive sites. Luxury hotels that include a frackin' (for all my BSG75 fans) awesome rendering of Trump Tower.

The islands themselves are pretty cool looking. One has already been finished and the other is still under construction. They can be viewed on Google Earth by going to 25 degrees North and 55 degrees East. But if you are too lazy to do that (and I hope you are not because it really lets you know that this is not made up) then here is a picture of one of the islands. You can check out the others by visiting the TEN site.

What the heck does that mean?

So I was actually doing well in terms of motivation today, and I was making a phone call. While waiting for someone to answer, I was staring at a picture on my desk. More precisely, I was staring at the frame - you know those frames that have the nice silver writing like "Friends Forever." Anyway this one is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, and it says "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Now, because I was motivated and I was staring, I decided to ponder such a statement. And I came to the conlcusion that this quote is a bunch of crap. If you take out "the beauty of," then I agree. Most people are dreamers, but never do anything about it. Some people however do chase their dreams when they believe them. Do you see me photographing eagles for National Geographic, or hosting some snake show on Discovery HD Originals, or filming documentaries about the atrocities happening in other countries, or making movies, or going into politics to actually make a difference, or writing a book. The answer is no, and it is because I believe in the beauty of my dreams, but this is much different than believing in my dreams.

Or is it? As I think about it, who knows the path before me? I say it is God. Maybe it is God who is the beauty of my dreams. Maybe that beauty is irresistable as life progresses, and I have no choice but to chase my dreams down. Maybe the future belongs to me.

This post started off funny in my head and ended up quite introspective. Now if I can just get me motivation back.

Just let 'em eat their bamboo in peace

I'm in Washington D.C. this week for a six-day review course, and Scratch was nice enough to let me crash at his place. Since he's literally steps from the Smithsonian National Zoological Park, I figured I'd walk through the zoo on my way back this evening to get a glimpse of the pandas. Little did I know that they close off the panda exhibit at 4:00 PM--I got there at 7:00 PM. As I wandered around, though, I noticed panda ads everywhere on signs, banners, trashcans--if I had to pee, I'd venture a guess they'd be on the urinals. It seems pandas are big business for zoos these days. San Diego, Atlanta, and Memphis prominently advertise their own giant panda exhibits in their respective cities. Kind of got me wondering. The U.S. relies on China for just about everything we use these days from cheap televisions, plastic cups, t-shirts, etc. Heck, I'm writing this on a computer that's probably 95% made up of Chinese goods. And now even our zoos rely on a Chinese import to increase revenues. Globalization...

The giant panda has become a bit of a political football in Taiwan, as well. A so called goodwill gift from China to the island of Formosa seems to be viewed by some as a subtle power grab instead. Who knew such a cuddly looking bear could symbolize such controversy?

My boredom has outshone the sun.

Holy crap am I bored. I am so unsuited to the cube life. And while my recent revelation as ADD has relieved me of the shame of my goofing off (both of which were considerable), it has also exacterbated my boredom, as the paranoia of getting shit-canned was mildly entertaining. As it is now, I've learned how to exist in the office job by taking contract jobs more often than not, and balancing my sloth with better-than-average work to appease those with their finger on the button. I'm convinced that the reason I don't get fired from nearly every job I've had is because when I do work, it's better than expected or what the client is used to. I'm good at meting out work just in time to save my bacon, I think.

Of course, I have the non-standardized, non-licensed, career of technical writing to thank for that. Since there is no real criteria for becoming a technical writer - other than to say that you are one - there are a lot a crappy ones out there. This thankfully keeps that bar of client expectations so low that when I come along, I need only a short trot to hurdle it. The average employer can't tell a good technical writer from a crappy one until he's already paid for the service, so even though he sees me on the Koolaid Gang blog or You Tube 3 out of the 5 times he passes my desk, he also sees how much improved his documentation is, and figures he'll put up with my crap as the thought of trying to find another competent writer makes him break out in hives.

If I were to die tomorrow, I'd be pretty disappointed to leave this as my legacy. The poster boy for mediocrity, I.

Easter eggs in August

My wife pointed me out to this anomaly that Wander should enjoy. Go to Google and do a search for failure.

Everytime I start to feel like an adult, I see stuff like this and regress to eight years old.

Conspiracy Theorists Will Have Fun With This!

It's all a conspiracy. I mean how can you lose the moon landing tapes unless it never happened to begin with. The M Zone has a funny take on it that makes me think of some of the Longhorn DVD's I have in my possession.

If you go through all 50 in one sitting, you need professional help

I Always Wanted to be a Renaissance Man.

I do my best to refrain from blogging about college football because there are just too many blogs covering it. But every once and a while I am going to breakdown and steal someone's idea and blog about it a little. Of course, I will put my own twist on it. Isn't that what most journalists do anyway. So you know a little about me from the title and from my content, which is why you will understand why I think this is cool and hilarious all at the same time.

It turns out that the head football coach at Texas Tech University, Mike Leach, is somewhat of a renaissance man. He is knowledgeable about a plethora of things (because he is in Lubbock I am sure that pinatas are included), and he loves to not just know but do. The well known and well read Fort Worth Star-Telegram has a pretty good story about him, and it is well worth the read. The Dallas Morning News also has some good stuff too, but I will just give you some quotes from that article.

He can talk about anything, and does. Vikings, for instance. Turns out he's half-Norwegian. Notes the NCAA's reformation on Native American symbols and wants to know when something's going to be done for Vikings.

In case you don't know, the NCAA has come up with some rules, which I think are rather silly about banning mascots and symbols from Native American heritage because they don't want to offend anyone. The crazy thing is they want to ban it even if it is not a negative image.

"I think me and other Norwegians ought to unite," he says. "We're tired of being characterized as warriors. We dishonor all the lazy Vikings."

I have come to view Tech as kind of a sad puppy dog that you can't help but feel sympathy for, and now that I know more about their coach that sympathy just grows. Heck I would love it if they were really successful in football this year as long as they don't beat Texas.

(Hat tip: EDSBS)

Sure looks nicer than a Prius

0-60 mph in 4 seconds. And because it's electric-powered, it gets the equivalent of 135 mpg. I don't know if any of you have heard about Tesla Motors and their new sports car, but I see this as a good sign that some good old fashioned ingenuity and entrepenuership can solve the world's ills. The going rate is $100K for one of these babies. Imagine how cheap they'd be, though, if some big car maker like GM or Ford started mass producing these.

Hopefully, though, they're not using similiar lithium-ion batteries to those found in Dell laptops that caused incidents such as the picture below. Nothing ruins a road trip more than your car blowing up...

Leave those fake boobs at home or check them at the gate

---Insert picture of big boobies here---

I'll be flying this weekend to D.C. and decided I'd check to see what I could and could not bring aboard my carry-on luggage, given the new restrictions since this latest terror plot was broken up. Apparently, the Transportation Security Administration is allowing small amounts of liquids and gels aboard:

• Small amounts of Baby formula and breast milk if a baby or small child is traveling
• Liquid prescription medicine with a name that matches the passenger’s ticket
• Up to 8 oz. of liquid or gel low blood sugar treatment
• Up to 4 oz. of essential non-prescription liquid medications
• Gel-filled bras and similar prostethics worn for medical reasons
  

At first, I kind of chuckled about the last one. Then I got a bit worried. Imagine some female suicide bomber loading up her implanted DD cups with liquid explosive. Maybe I'm buying in to the whole Republican fear agenda, or perhaps I watch too many movies. Somehow, driving always seems to be the most desirable option to me in the end.

I know what I will be doing Friday!!

This cracked me up.

I ran across this this morning. Instead of stealing the glory for myself, I will give you the link. Is Sarah a Genius?

Domestic OCD

Most of you know that Swany can be a bit obsessive-compulsive at times. Thus, my fascination with this flash video that shows you a cool way to fold your shirts.

Where do you look first?

I was listening to someone talk about our vanity one time and I thought his point was interesting. He said something along the lines of, "When you look at a picture that you are in, where is the first place you look?" Well I am guessing that most everyone looks for themselves and tries to determine how they look. Heck I do it. I will always gravitate towards how I look, and the pictures that I look really good in are the ones that become my favorite.

Well, I now have a new twist on this. Ever since my little one has joined the world, my wife and I constantly hear how my daughter looks like me. This is either preceeded or followed by how cute she looks. Now, I live in the South so this could just be them being nice, but I like to think not. So with the combination of how she looks like me and is so cute, I have since been taking the cute remarks as personal compliments to which I respond with a genuine, "Thank You." Because I rib my wife about this all the time and she nows how arrogant I can be privately, she just rolls her eyes. If you listen close enough to my tone and body language, though, you will know that I am taking the compliment personally.

What's great about all of this is that now I can look at pictures that include me and my daughter and look at her first. I don't even need pictures of me anymore.


Damn I look good!!

At least we're not in the middle

Wow. Who knew so many Americans weren't accepting of the theory of evolution? Then again, there are people in the United States that don't know what country the Great Wall of China is in. Hint: It's in China.

A flurry of chubby fists

I got a good laugh after reading about this crime report. Just imagine if he was carrying chocolate milk. Note the $2.89 gallon of milk listed on the stolen property column.

Coming out of the closet with Pride and Prejudice

OK, I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for a movie about love and romance. If I channel surf and a Meg Ryan movie pops up, chances are that nine times out of ten I'll probably stop and watch the rest of it if I don't have anything else to do at that moment. Now most guys can admit to enjoying some romance movies--most films with John Cusack come to mind (except for the horrendous Must Love Dogs). But most of us guys probably give our significant others the stinky face and have suicidal ideations when forced to watch a chick flick. Alas, I am not one of them. Granted, I put on a good show of machismo for the wife, but secretly I want to watch them, too.

Something I don't usually particularly care for, though, are period pieces. Combine romance and a Victorian England setting, and I usually scream like a little one year old getting stuck for immunizations. Granted, my wife and I spent our unofficial first date watching Sense and Sensibility, but I attribute my liking of that film from the direction of Ang Lee rather than the actual content. However, my attitude changed this past weekend after watching Pride and Prejudice on DVD.

I have to give credit to my wife for putting this on our Netflix queue. I expected to get a couple of hours of sleep on the couch when she put it in Saturday night. For any of you that haven't read a word of Jane Austen (like me), the story is probably familiar as it was the basis for the Bridget Jones's Diary that came out a few years ago starring a plump Renee Zellweger. The opening sequence with the giggly Bennett sisters overjoyed about the prospect of an eligible rich bachelor coming to an upcoming party didn't help with my first impressions. But as the movie progressed, I was slowly drawn in and actually found myself wrapped up in this whole developing romance between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett. Maybe it's because I'm a bit socially awkward myself, but I seemed to understand where Darcy was coming from. And give a lot of credit to Keira Knightley--she deserved that Oscar nomination last year for her role in this picture. I dare say she should have won. She subtly conveys a wide range of emotions in this film without resorting to over-the-top dramatics that you'd expect in a period piece like this, and is captivating in every scene she's in.

I think I'll have to remake my Top 10 list from 2005--this definitely deserves a spot.

***** (out of *****)

A Little Monday Elixir

I saw some of these pictures a couple of weeks ago and thought they were pretty cool.
Of course if you view them from the wrong angle then it doesn't quite work. If you want to see more you can check out the artist's homepage. His name is Julian Beever.

Serendipity Do Dah

As the fates would have it, Mrs. Wander, or as she would likely call herself were she to begin contributing to this blog of the damned, Tellulah, was away on business for the past week and had to fly home today. The day after allegedly the biggest almost attack was or was not successfully thwarted, or not, by a force and/or forces stronger then the religious/hateful/insane/insert additional adjectives terrorist/nutjob/extremist/insert additional nouns. In other words, she picked the wrong day to come home to daddy. I awoke to nothing on NPR yesterday morning but news of this massive almost event, and reports making it sound like the end of all airtravel as we know it for sometime as massive delays created dessicated skeletons throughout tumbleweed-blown airport terminals across the world. I, who is normally of sound mind and fierce suspicion of all things governmentally warning in anyway, (especially since the "Terrorist Alert Color Code" has not been used once since the puppet was reelected but was escalated with much grim and sorry predictions more then twenty times the 6 months before the election) I, the coolest of the cool, actually experienced the fear so many of the normal, albeit zombified, citizens experience when fed such sensationalistic stories from the government teat. But, I had a loved one, THE loved one, in danger. I would drive and get her if I had to I thought. Hell, I would do it in a Volkswagen beetle, filled with wasps, and bears, and Dick Cheney swatting at the whole damned mess just to rile it all up while he explained to me how Halliburton didn't get all those fat government contracts because he once shat where they shat. For her, I would do it. So , I prepared for the worst while hoping for the best just as all our pioneering forefathers and mothers had to once upon a time, when there really were things to worry about at our doorstep, like small pox, and getting scalped. With a flurry of calls throughout the day yesterday I asked her if they would let her leave early, if their itinerary for today had changed. Would they let her get to the airport early enough to hack through the droves of stranded, hungry travelers, with fear in their eyes, and the word 'Brainssss' on their lips? Was she coming home? No changes she related. Then later, word came they were going to the airport earlier today, to have more time to fight through the crushing crowds of the diseased and forgotten with machete and flamethrower I assumed. Finally after fretting through the day at work, and leaving early to have plenty of time to get to the airport over roads surely mined with Bouncing Betties and other equally devious devices designed to maim not kill, I arrived at the airport. It took less time then usual. And there was a disheartening lack of zombies, SWAT team, crowds... In fact it was pretty much dead for a Friday night. Then I checked the arrival board. Huzzah! Her flight was delayed by almost 2 hours. I knew I needed to get here earlier for a reason, I thought to myself settling in to wait nearly 3 more hours. If I hadn't been here so early, then what? After much staring at equally bored travelers, and transporters, and not a few vodka tonics, the time finally arrived. Would she come stumbling out of the concourse, her clothes torn as if in a Frank Frazzeta painting revealing all and nothing, panting and sweaty from the sheer act of surviving through these most harrowing days? Then I saw her, fresh as a daisy, smiling and joking with the woman next to her. What had transpired to keep her away from me two more hours I inquired immediately after the much anticipated embrace and hellos. Mechanical problems she said. She had gotten through the exponentially increased security in about 5 minutes. Never had a line to wait in anywhere, and actually felt like she had a safer trip today then she did earlier in the week, before the news proclaimed it to be the end of airtravel as we've known it. She even got to keep her hand lotion, lipstick, and matches... And she was flying out of a major international hub. Not a spoke, an honest to god Mecca of air travel. The papers today were covered in pictures of the plight of the lost traveler, the hypertense machinegun toting security, the vast crowds of anxious people at airports around the country. I don't know what extradimensional world they took those pictures in, because it sure as hell wasn't the one I was on today. Last goddamn time I listen to the government...

My One Regret

Working this eharmony doo-jobby as I am, I'm reminded of something that happened to me close to ten years ago. On eharmony, you send each other questions at different stages. These can be of your own devising or chosen from a list of queries both pithy and benign. One of these questions has me strolling down amnesia lane quite a bit lately.

How important is chemistry to you? Do you need to feel that immediate spark?

Years ago when I was living in Oklahoma, I went with my mother and some neighbors to dinner at some crummy buffet. Rounding the cottage cheese and skinned-over chocolate pudding I locked eyes with a girl so pretty she left me breathless. I think that she was Hispanic, or at least she had a dark complexion. I remember she had the most slender, delicate hands. Mostly importantly, she had the same deer in the headlights look on her face that I must of had. Even as clueless and self-doubting as I was back then, I knew that she was as knocked out by me as I was by her. But I was far too chicken to talk to her, and I let her get away.

I keep wondering, did I blow it back then? Will I ever experience that again?

At least we can get bipartisan agreement on some things

Political whore? Yeah, you'd expect that sort of Hillary-bashing from a Republican, but it turns out quite a number of your ordinary Democrats feel the same way. Granted, this article is only about New Hampshire Democrats, but still.

Speculation about who will be up for the Presidential election is getting quite interesting. All hopes of a Democratic win seem to rest on Hillary based on all the hype these days, and quite a few Americans not only dislike her, but loathe her. And no one seems to be openly admitting they're big fans of the Republicans right now. The door's wide open for an independent to steal the 2008 election, which as polarized as the nation seems to be getting, wouldn't be such a bad thing. I only hope the third party candidate doesn't turn out to be on par with Ross Perot or Ralph Nader.

Imagine Calculus but Muted?!?!

Recently for my birthday I got an indie cd from a buddy. It was from the group Mute Math. To give props where props are due, I actually got a complitation disc from my brother-in-law last Christmas with one of their songs on it. I liked that song, but when I received the cd a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't impressed at first listen. As I have listened to the cd more and more though I am beginning to like it more and more. Some of the songs that I think you should listen to on the site linked above are Break the Same, Typical, and Reset. Let me know what you think.

Clock Radio

Two penguins are trying to cross a bridge only wide enough for one. They are heading towards each other on the bridge and meet in the middle. The first penguin says, "Move out of my way please." The second penguin responds with, "What do you think I am a clock radio?"

That joke makes me laugh every time.

Why did the penguin cross the road?

Penguin road kill--you don't see that often.

MUD!

I came across this picture today, and it reminded me of some of the fun I have been in before. It makes me think back mostly to a time just after high school. I was at home on summer break from college, and my buddy had some time off from his naval duties. In order to hide his identity from all you whacko’s out there I will endearingly refer to him as Wackinoffee.

Wackinoffee had an old Bronco. So old it was one of those with a removable top. This sucker was decked out with nice velvety carpet in the main cab. Thoughtfully nestled in between the sun visors was a built in console for a CB radio that also moonlighted as a PA system. The tires were extra large and of the muddin' type, and the upgraded suspension only allowed you to hear the mud beckoning to you that much clearer. This baby never purred down the road, it roared.
On a few different occasions we took the monster where it belonged – in the mud. There were a few times when we thought that it wasn’t living up to its standards but for the most part we were impressed with its muddin’ abilities. If you saw the picture above though, then you know where this is going.

It was a long stretch across an open field with stretches of mud interspersed along the dirt path. It called to us like a beauty in distress. The best part of this run from our perspective was the speed at which this could be conquered. Off-roading in the mud can be done fast or slow, but it depends on the course. How many turns? How many hills? How deep is the mud? Etc. This course though was a pretty flat dirt road with gentle turns that could be maneuvered at high speeds while even in a bit of a fish tail.

The mud puddles were exciting because they were just big enough and deep enough to allow for some mud to really be displaced. We were speeding through it pretty fast when Wackinoffee saw a “puddle” that was more like the distance across the Sahara. In that tiny moment he hesitated. That’s all it took – one split second hesitation – and we sunk to the axels about three quarters of the way through. It was at this point that Scootypuff Jr. and I thought everything was funny. At least until we had to get out and push.

That son of a b*tch bronco had dug in like an Alabama tick, and there we were behind it letting it spray mud on us like we were its little whipping boy. After an hour of trying to get the thing out, and hearing Scootypuff Jr.’s dislike of the situation I decided there was nothing left to do but get my two wheel drive Nissan pickup and pull it out. Believe it or not but it pulled it out with very little effort. Of course in the process I ended up getting mud all over everything. My truck had mud inside the air vents until the day I got rid of it. The mud on myself and my friends was easily washed off with a quick dip in the local private neighborhood pool … at around dawn.

I am sure that there are parts of the story that I remember incorrectly, but the moral of the story is this: I find that as I get older, I love to reminisce about things from my past. But why do I not reminisce about things in my recent path. Well a couple of thoughts. First deals with the theory of relativity (sort of). The farther away the occurrence gets the better the story gets. But second, and more importantly, the older you get the less likely you are to do something stupid that would make for a good story. This is due largely in part to wisdom, but also in part to not wanting to get dirty. The moral of the story is this: Take the opportunity to jump into fun stuff. I am always in a hurry to do something. I need to slow down and look for these opportunities. Bridges to jump off, mud to play in, and swings to swing on. Live life the fun way!

I Feel Bad When I Laugh at Stuff Like This

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - A Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

Another man who was in the workshop at the time of the explosion was rushed to a hospital with severe burns, a police officer told Reuters. The workshop was destroyed and several cars parked outside caught fire.

Police found several unexploded army issue rocket-propelled grenades in the workshop. They believe the ammunition had been brought there by scavengers wanting to sell them as scrap metal, but they also are investigating a possible link to Rio's heavily armed drug gangs who often raid military bases.

The Dark Knight

It looks like Christian Bale has confirmed that the next Batman sequel is a go. I'm not quite sure what to think about Heath Ledger as the Joker, but given that even Katie Holmes couldn't ruin Batman Begins, I'm holding judgement.

Darth Vader Superfly

This is for all you Star Wars geeks (that includes me). Try going to the original site and download it in Quicktime if YouTube is bogged down.

Oh sh*t, it's Dr. Tran!

Another video you all might have already seen that I probably should be a litte offended by, but it's just too damn funny. It's a little NSFW due to some language and sexual references, so keep those kiddie ears covered...

No more freedom toast, either

Good news. That idiotic move by the House changing French fries to Freedom fries in an official gesture to stick it to the French when we invaded Iraq? It quietly got repealed. The frogs must be laughing their asses off.

In case you were scared of coffee, the devil's brew...

Caffeine is bad for you according to a recent governmental study in Taiwan. And apparently, it's such a menace to the health of all who live on the island of Formasa, that all coffee shops in the country have been asked to put advisory warnings on their caffeinated drinks.

All this after a little over a month-long study. Yes, you read that right--a month. And I thought our FDA had problems.

Personally, I feel dizzy and irritable if I don't get my daily infusion of caffeine.

This Light Switch Controls the Sun

Some Day We'll Fly

It has been a while since Swany referenced the personal flying car, so I hunted around and I found this on an old web page, and checked on sales, production, availability.

After searching through the website, I discovered you could buy miscellaneous trinkets (hot wheels replicas, key chains, license plate holders, stickers) of the production model, from $5 to $25.

If you want to actually buy the car, here are the criteria for you to be put on the waiting list.

M400 Skycar Deposit Information
Deposit is refundable until after a successful transitioning flight has occurred. Thereafter deposits are refundable only if Final Delivery Price exceeds List Price (as adjusted for CPI-W) by 5%, OR Standard Equipment List has been shortened OR Guaranteed Performance Specifications are not met, OR FAA Certification Date of the M400 Skycar occurs after December 31, 2008 or a Purchase Agreement is executed prior to FAA certification.
Your required deposit amount is as follows:

Delivery Position - Minimum Deposit - Amount List Price
25-100 - $100,000 - $995,000
101-200 - $25,000 - $750,000
201-500 - $10,000 - $500,000

Performance Specifications & Equipment List

• Guaranteed PerformancePassengers 4
• Maximum speed 375 MPH
• Cruise speed (20,000 ft.) 275 MPH
• Range 750 Miles
• Size Large automobile
• Best mileage approx. 20 MPG
• Useful payload 750 lbs
• Can hover with one engine failed
• Uses non-fossil fuel (ethanol)
• Certification DateNot later than December 31, 2008

So, if you got some bling, you can reserve your own, with the caveate that they certify it by Dec. 31, 2008. OR, you can go out, get 494 other people (other than the 6 of us, because i know you would all sign up if we can get the discount), and buy in bulk. Yeah, right.

A couple downfalls as i see it now:

• Only 4 people. Several large guys at 2 bills a piece, the fourth guy looses a leg before getting in the car for the flight. You may just have to wrestle for it. Loser loses a limb, period.
• 20 MPG on ethanol fuel- what is this, a mid-size SUV in Iowa? Just when you build up speed on your way from Des Moines to the Field of Dreams at 20,000 feet, you have to quickly descend and stop and find an ethanol pump and fill up again.
• If one engine goes, how long before the second goes? And how many test flights did they do with one engine failing? Do they expect an engine to fail? Is that the best way to pitch a product. You think they give you the confidence interval of one or two standard deviations on this when you buy it?
• If you have that much money, why not just buy some tickets on the X3 (or whatever the next personal space craft is called in the X race), and go along with Richard Branson on the maiden flight of the space tourist vehicle, while listening to one of his artists from Virgin Records on an Video Ipod.

Oh well, some day they will figure this out so its affordable and safe. Until then, i'm stuck with my mid-size SUB that only gets 16 MPG on regular fuel. Maybe i should try ethanol...

I feel so behind the times

Scootypuff jr. clued us all in on this band, OK Go, and a pretty cool video they made. Then again, Wander seems to be way ahead of us all--he's been listening to them since their first album in 2002!

You Know You're Big Time When ...

You are known anywhere you go.
or You make a 7 digit income.
or You get paid to $18,000 per year to do nothing
(Of course the big time in this case is fleeting. Re: OU Landstealers current
football scandal. Here is a fun pic to go along with it
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4408/1694/1600/bomar_dollars.jpg )
or You never have to wait for a table at a restaurant.
or You don't have to think twice about buying anything.
or You have your own reality show coming out in October.
or You won the national championship on a last second drive.
or You have your own logo.

Michael Jordan has one. Tiger Woods has one. And now Vince Young has one.

Update: You know you are getting bigger when you make it to the second page of a google search results summary. The Koolaid Gang is movin' on up ... to the top ... to a delux apartment in the ski i iayyy.

Perhaps she can take her carpetbag to Europe

I'm not going to make any grand statements like I'd move to Europe if Hillary Clinton ever was elected president. No, unlike Alec Baldwin who made a similar proposal back when George W. Bush was on the brink of victory, I tend to try and make promises I can keep.

Every now and again, I hear some quote from Hillary that makes me cringe. Not because it necessarily represents something I'm adamantly opposed to, but more because it sounds so scripted and cements her place as probably the worst panderer on Capitol Hill. Case in point, a sound byte on NPR this morning pertaining to the upcoming confirmation hearings for Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach, who's up for the FDA commissioner job. His confirmation is likely to be held up due to ongoing controversies regarding Plan B emergency contraception and the FDA's reluctance to make it available over the counter until today. Hillary is one of the senators holding up a vote on Dr. Eschenbach's confirmation, using this as a leverage tool to get Plan B approved.

“Like so much of this government in the past five and a half years, it has been turned into a political football, and you’re on the field. This is not just about Plan B. Once we start politicizing the F.D.A. there is no stopping. It is essential that we draw a line, and we are drawing a line right here.”

She goes on to say something to the effect that not making Plan B available over the counter has been made on completely moral grounds, and if she doesn't stop the cycle now, the FDA will soon be able to call obesity immoral and limit availability of fat drugs. Huh? Now that's a big stretch.

By holding up the nomination of someone who is "eminently qualified" for the sole purpose of getting a drug that's not vital to anyone's health onto over-the-counter shelves, she and the rest of these Senators have essentially hijacked the FDA and done exactly what they say shouldn't be done--politicizing the Food and Drug Administration.

Whether you agree or disagree that Plan B should be available over the counter, this isn't the way to get this accomplished. Ah, politics at its best...

Vail going green? No way!

During my trip to Vail last month, I was a bit shocked to see how much this resort had grown. As much as it was encroaching on the surrounding wilderness, it wasn't surprising that they were having a bit of a problem with bears raiding their trash. Vail, and other mountain resorts like it, are continually becoming less friendly to their environments.

Then I read this article in the New York Times about Vail Resorts buying wind credits to power all their properties, and are now second only to Whole Foods Market to use such renewable energy credits to do so. I guess this doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be hooking all their power lines to windmills, but it's a start. With all the mounting evidence in support of global warming, this seems like the right thing to do with the resources available today. Heck, what's the worst that could happen if this whole carbon emissions theory is wrong and we invested in wind power or other renewable energy sources anyway? I actually think windmill farms are kind of cool-looking.